No thanks, I’m full

I’m leaving for California today, and traveling this week, so I didn’t have time to record the post. Someone I love asked me if my morality lived inside me or if it was externally mandated. We were circling whether humanity had an innate sense of right and wrong—because sometimes it doesn’t seem that way. I think he leaned toward “yes,” so there was no excuse for pillaging the earth, the animals and your neighbor. But I waver. You never have to teach a child selfishness. You teach them what is allowed in your house. Most childhood choices toward morality are because of fear of punishment or in search of praise from guardians. Later, the same motivation comes from school, employers click to continue reading…

Pardon me, do you have any change?

I heard recently about a mom who liked to ask her kids something when she was alone with them. It was to reach out as they developed their near-adult opinions and essentially asked, “What do you no longer believe, that you think I still believe?” and, “What have you started to believe that you think I do not believe?“ I wish I had thought to ask my kids questions like those when they were still in high school. But honestly, I don’t think I would have been completely sure how to answer for myself. I thought I was certain about everything I believed in my thirties. What I believe now is stronger because of the decade of questioning that followed. click to continue reading…

Making time for intimacy

I’m trying to practice the rhythm of consistency, but sometimes it’s not possible. Last week’s blog was quarantined as non-essential and stayed inside. Rhythm There are people in my life whom I love but no longer share a rhythm of relationship with. Some are friends who used to visit regularly, others are out-of-state family with separate lives. It can feel like we start again right where we left off, but unless it’s one of those rare connections, we spend our time on updates during occasional visits. Checking in is fine for some connections, though. We need to be willing for friend and family relationships to morph as need and availability changes. It isn’t necessary to have everyone you’ve ever met, click to continue reading…

You can blame it all on someone

I guess it’s the season for annual checkups. We’ve been to the vet several times this month. The cat doctor said Opal gained a pound. I told her it was because of Covid. The cascading effects continue rolling in—so I’m sure I can keep blaming it. What’s the alternative to casting blame? Ownership. Wouldn’t it be nice to have free agency without responsibility? Makes me think of the teen years when you have more autonomy than ever before. You can sleep off bad living instead of paying for it physically, and most things don’t go on your permanent record. Your parents are trying to let you make your own decisions, but they still fund most, or all of your life. click to continue reading…

Sorry, not really really sorry

I remember in the early years of trying to merge our two fighting styles that my husband and I had an argument. I was quick-tempered but equally fast to see my error and apologize. (I sometimes still struggle with quick anger.) However, in that beginning argument, when I asked for forgiveness, he would not give it. He needed time. A day later, when he was ready to discuss and make up, I wasn’t interested. I wanted a turn with the power imbalance. I wanted him to hurt, or grovel, before I bestowed forgiveness. I realized, though, that withholding meant we might just take turns refusing to forgive. That’s the loading dock to the never speaking again express train. So, I click to continue reading…