Is Pornography Infidelity?

My husband and I have been counseling married and about-to-be-married couples for several years now. Neither of us are educated in the world’s standards for psychology, so my opinion is that of a layman.

One thought I hear consistently from females is, “Will I be enough for him, will I be able to keep him interested?” This surprises me, because, twenty years ago when I got married—I’d never considered or heard a girl wonder about that question. Now, it’s a standard fear. Why?

I love the Ted Talk’s Series by Physiologist Philip Zimbardo “The demise of guys?” because of the simplistic way he describes pornography use. He refers to “Arousal Addiction” and says that more is not enough—you will require different.

This means that the Sears-catalog, granny-panty section won’t work forever. And when something escalates—you have to ask yourself “To what end? Where is this headed?”JDquote copy

Sin will not let you dabble. It is an obsessive lover. It seeks to own you.

“It doesn’t happen overnight, when you depersonalize another person, and view them as just an object. An object for pleasure instead of a living, breathing human being.”— Jeffery Dahmer

My husband asked me to write something about how women feel about porn because men ask us if pornography is infidelity. Hebrews 13:4 says to keep the marriage bed pure. We urge couples to do this by letting only the two of them into their bed. This includes not inviting pictures or videos of others into their bed, separately or jointly.

But if he wants to know why he can’t look at other women (instead of letting his wife’s breasts satisfy him at all times) because after all, men are visual…

He should ask himself a few questions:

Is it infidelity if your wife thinks about another man while making love to you?

Is it infidelity if she whispers another man’s name in her mind while writhing under you?

Is it infidelity if she must send a text, email or dwell on a conversation with someone else so she can become aroused enough to make love to you? What if the sex is really great when she does?

Is it infidelity if she stares at another man’s body and wishes you would work out more? Or that you would start using Rogaine? Straighten your teeth? Deepen your voice? Somehow just be…better?

Is it infidelity if she never acts on her desires, but wishes she was with him instead?

Is it infidelity if she is sexually gratified without you — while she looks at or thinks of him?

What if it’s not just one man she thinks about, but every attractive man she sees…

Then can you just look at pictures?

2 thoughts on “Is Pornography Infidelity?

  1. Peggy says:

    Random thoughts:

    I would love to see the faces of the men when you ask them these questions. And hear their answers.

    Actually, the fear of “Will I be able to keep him interested?” is as old as the hills. Look at old Ann Landers columns from way back. I’ve got a book written in the 1920s that asks that question. The Victorian era was very pornographic. Why did David and Solomon need all their wives and concubines, and how did the first (or second or third) wives feel about it?

    You can’t help noticing other people’s attributes. Ernest Borgnine won an Oscar, but Cary Grant was the guy in demand as a Leading Man–because people notice physical attributes. And I have a VERY religious friend who once told me, as far as appreciating the looks of men who weren’t her husband, “We’re married, we’re not dead!”

    For me the deal-breaker is if your spouse ACTIVELY looks elsewhere–at real people or at porn–because he or she is saying, “You are not good enough.” Is it infidelity? I don’t know. But it’s disrespectful and diminishing–and definitely breaking the vow of “cherishing.”

Please share your heart. We learn from each other.