Category: Unparenting Adult Children

Violence on a Soul

Posted on by Hilarey

My husband and I are reading “The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry.” One night, we came across a phrase that made both of us pause—but we’d had very different reactions.

The phrase was “Hurry is a form of violence on the soul.”

Immediately, I wanted to underline it. I consider words valuable if they create emotion and imagery. Valuable doesn’t necessarily mean true to me. I liked the gut-punch. My husband blocked it. He wasn’t going to decide its validity unless it was quantified. Fortunately, the rest of the chapter did go on to describe.

Violence to the soul, in the case of the book’s argument, killed several things your soul needs. Relationships. Joy. Wisdom. Spirituality. And, it ultimately destroys your soul by killing all that we hold dear.

Hurry is hardly the only thing impacting our souls.

The word of God is one of more powerful things I’ve experienced in my soul. Usually it is the main conduit of healing. People bring shame and the gospel brings freedom when we “rightly divide” truth. Scripture is also powerful for the protection of your soul, and described as a sword, useful for offensive-defense in the armor of God.

Offensive-offense

But I usually see the gospel used differently. Cutting through lies is not the same as cutting people.

Sometimes, the children of God play in the safe and walk around with a sharpened sword of truth irresponsibly. We jab without remorse, to justify our own actions, or to control others.

Hence: Spiritual Trauma and Spiritual Abuse.

The first time I tried to control someone by their soul was when I wanted to tell my sister what to do. I said to her “a fool rejects counsel.” Actually, I said it to her back when she rejected my counsel. And I was serious. I now see it as more sinister than I did at the time. I really thought that everything dripping from my mouth was wisdom from above, since I feared God.

Obeying me is obeying your God

Laws are only useful against actions you can catch. Better to make someone believe they have to obey. If you don’t have to fight someone’s internal conviction, your goals are easier. Think of a parent praying with their children, “Please Lord, make these kids honor you, by obeying me, and go to sleep very quickly without getting up and asking for a glass of water, thereby profaning your name.”

Or a father yelling, “The Bible says to honor your father!”

A slave owner telling the slave to “work as unto the Lord, even with a harsh master like me.”

A husband justifying non-consensual intercourse because “the Bible says, ‘Your body is not your own.’”

A wife telling her husband he isn’t “washing her in the Word,” he isn’t loving her as Christ loved the church.

Anyone telling you, “God HATES divorce.”

Someone who calls you back to pray with them because they don’t want you leaving on your terms.

And basically anybody who justifies hurting you because, after all, “Paul did the things he didn’t want to do, either.”

How do you know it’s abuse?

These are only examples—it’s never beneficial to seek a fully inclusive, all encompassing definition of abuse. If you try to delineate all instances, something will slip by.

You know it though, when it causes violence to your soul.

If you have experienced any of these, it probably felt traumatic. Doing or saying one doesn’t make you or someone else an abuser, though.

A marker of abuse is that it is a pattern. The situation is different if it is persistent and pervasive.

Which is why repentance actually involves stopping the behavior.

The Sawdust and the Plank

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in church and thought, “So and so totally needs to hear this.” Conviction stings. And sometimes it cuts deep. But, deflecting the injury to someone else is not the solution.

Which is so difficult. Because this Christian thing is supposed to be done in community. It’s our culture that wants a private, isolated faith.

But, letting someone else control you with scripture…that’s gonna leave a mark. Cult leaders always quote scripture better than you. Don’t be too impressed by it, or manipulated into continuing to suffer. You better make sure it’s God’s will for you to enable someone to continue sinning while you make excuses for them to never return to the Lord.

Scripture is not the thing to fear—assuming you get the gist of the Bible and letting others fill in blanks is the danger.

Scripture is for you. It is for you to measure yourself and let it change your heart. It is for the Holy Spirit to reshape your life.

It is also for you to weigh the motives and view the results of other people’s actions—before you allow them into your sanctum, or make pie with the fruit of their life.

It is, at times, for the fearful responsibility of teaching others. Namely, when they are seeking it out from you.

It is not for you to control others. Because no matter how much you memorize it, your heart might not be full of pure motivations. Your heart certainly doesn’t have all the information about them or God’s plan for them.

As Lisa Terkeurst pointed out in the book I can’t stop referring to (Good Boundaries and Goodbyes): the first sin happened after the enemy misquoted God’s words for his own purpose. And twisting scripture was the primary weapon Satan used against Christ when he tempted him in the desert.

So be careful anytime you feel like someone needs to see a scripture because you want a change in their life. Whether it’s taping up a verse on the fridge for your roommate, or texting unsolicited snippets to your grandchild.

A prophecy of Christ’s coming was: “a bruised reed he will not break and a faintly burning wick he will not snuff out,” so why do we justify using scripture like a weapon: two to the chest and one to the head?

Go to scripture for healing, let it guard you. Work on the plank. When people see YOUR thriving and victorious life, they may ask about the reason. Then, you can show them where the arsenal is.

Here’s What You Need to Do

Posted on by Hilarey

Recently, we watched a television series called Ted Lasso. It’s about an American football coach who goes to England to coach a British football team (soccer). There are three guys who periodically show up, watching the matches from a pub. They are either hugging each other, or screaming at the TV, depending on how the team is doing. To me, this is an icon of sports fans: somebody who couldn’t run a mile, yelling at an athlete to jump higher and run faster. Then, without any sacrifice, enjoying a sense that they were part of the conquering. But I am not super competitive, so likely there’s something I’m missing.

A yoke you couldn’t bear

It’s fun to brainstorm a book that you don’t have to write. Likewise, to offer advice that you don’t have to follow. Advice-givers can be another version of an armchair warrior.

It’s easy to demand that a teenager reign in their passions when you’ve had constant access to sex through marriage for several decades, your libido has waned with age… and you didn’t actually wait either. I’m not saying you shouldn’t tell them what God says about sexuality—but try to remember what it was like to yearn.

A spring of both fresh and salt water

Younger people are listening to everything you say. But they’re also thinking about how and why you say it. Both the intentional words you tell them and the complaints you mutter to yourself.

Previous generations said to get married, but then called their spouse a ball and chain.

They insisted that all you need to do need to do is to find a job you love, but complain about work or insist retirement is the best thing that ever happened. Then spend all their time talking about inflation and how it is impossible to live no matter what you do, and the government will take everything you ever earn, anyway.

And many say that God is on the throne, but live in despair after the election.

Do not think you are offering advice that will fix a young person’s future when you are also defeating their hopes for the future. I think this is like the spring of fresh and salt water (blessing and cursing) James 3:10 says should not come out of our mouths.

And the following generations watch even more than they listen. So if you live in fear and despair, a motivational speaker from the world appears to offer more solutions than your church.

Try inviting those you love to the good and abundant life God promised on earth—not a life filled with negativity and despair.

Maledicion

The power of our words should create a knee-shaking awe. Matthew 18:18 says, “Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” It’s worth meditating on that section.

Telling someone “You are so far from God” is like prophesying over their life. Why not instead speak “You are never so far that the arm of the Lord cannot reach you?”

You would not speak a bad word over your child (or anyone you loved) if you believed your words bound and loosed things in both heaven and earth.

Choose your audience

Sometimes it is good to be as raw as an open wound in front of someone with a more fragile faith—when it is about your faith walk. But sometimes, when it should be about them, clean and bandage that up before you expose it.

Keep people close who can hear your work-in-progress of pain and fear. You can wrestle your curse out loud to God, or to someone who will let you take it back. But for others, finish that psalm before you speak it. David didn’t always start off holy, but he usually finishes in praise.

Finishing a psalm with unanswered prayers

Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster says, “to understand that the work of prayer involves a learning process, saves us from arrogantly dismissing it as false or unreal.” So if prayer isn’t working, he says to find out what’s broken. Maybe we have asked amiss, that we may spend it on our passions. Maybe we’re using mindless, repetitive words. Possibly we need to grow patience and faith, and God wants us to persevere so we know the answer came from him.

If you are a married man, consider how you are treating your wife if you think your prayers are hindered. But truly, it matters how any of us treat other humans. Emphasis on the “other,” since it’s godless and lazy to only love people in your tribe. Believers are warned, do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive so you will be forgiven.

And if you have caused offense, ask for forgiveness from the person before you come before the Lord. Which is hard. It’s really easier to justify your part, or pretend like it didn’t happen, and hope the other person gets over it. But how we think about and interact with others is a component to having our prayer heard…

Giving up and calling it God’s will

Defeatism about someone’s eternal election doesn’t line up with the statements of a God who desires that none should perish. “Maybe they just aren’t chosen. The Bible does say there will be a great apostasy…giant sigh.”

Foster also says in Celebration of Discipline that sometimes it is a lack of compassion on our part. “If we genuinely love people, we desire for them far more than it is within our power to give, and that will cause us to pray.” I think it’s also a great tool of the enemy to try to hide our power from us or diminish our authority by instilling a fear that we can’t know God’s will and we have to tiptoe around it in prayer. One of the points of prayer is to align yourself with God’s will. So don’t give up.

God’s coworkers

I don’t mean to indicate any kind of prosperity doctrine—but, believer, what if you could change the outcome instead of heralding the impending doom?

Jesus told his followers John 15:7, “If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you.”

Don’t forget that Moses pleaded and changed God’s mind! God also withheld the punishment he threatened Nineveh after they repented, and Abraham interacted with God in a way that indicates he could have stopped the destruction of Sodom, but at least he was able to save his family.

Pleasant words are like honeycomb

In America, we think fanny is a cute word like bootie, bum or derrière. It was a modestly popular woman’s name until the 19th century. But, it’s quite vulgar in Ireland.

Vulgarity is like modesty and has a cultural context that morphs depending on the era.

A favorite quote of mine from The Count of Monte Cristo talks about this kind of change. “The difference between treason and patriotism is only a matter of dates.”

What if a curse isn’t a word like jackass or bitch (two benign words in animal husbandry a few hundred years ago) but words that diminish a fellow human’s hope?

Stop giving your fear a voice. Rather, pray in your rightfully entitled power. If you do open your mouth, prophesy life and build up like it says in Ephesians 4:29, instead of speaking malediction over the ones you love.

Oh the Molehills I’ve Died Upon

Posted on by Hilarey

Originally Posted on August 15, 2022

I remember when I first heard about the difference between Calvinism and Arminianism. It was a season of spiritual growth. I was a young mom seeking to know God for the first time even though I had technically asked him “into my heart” ten years earlier. The pastor presented both positions in a good light and said that our flavor of Christianity (Calvary Chapel) landed on a mixture of the two.

A handful of years later, when I had space from baby-making and time to look things up on the internet, I began to hunger for more knowledge and details about my faith. Our community and many of our friends were LDS, and that prompted me to seek confirmation of what I said I believed, and to discover what I actually believed. It was a good time of study and discovery.

I sat down and made a five row chart with three columns. Next, I looked up verses to compare the two theologies with my undenominational-denomination. Then I pulled out my Bible to solve it, once and for all. Somehow, I still believed there were only the two camps, and I needed to pick one. With my high school education, and the Holy Spirit, I would discover, unequivocally, what hundreds of years and thousands of scholars could not.

I looked up the verses and tried to read a verse before and after—you know—to keep them in context. Not necessarily in context with the whole Bible or even the individual book, but at least in context with the sentence.

There weren’t just two or three ways to look at it. I landed on my own mixture but with a subtle distaste for most of the Calvinistic points. I thought only authoritarians would agree with Calvinism because they saw God to be like them. Based on my personality and the combination of my life experiences, I needed to know that following God was my choice. An irrefutable call didn’t inspire love. I preferred resistible grace even to the point of conditional salvation. Agency was too important to me for it to not be part of my relationship with God. I saw God to be like me.

Since I understood that if someone believed differently from you, the solution was to talk louder and faster until they backed down—I could prove my stance in someone’s bewildered silence. I knew what hundreds of years and thousands of scholars could not determine.

Then one day, a young woman told me she had learned something wonderful about God. What I heard in her description was elements of Calvinism. She didn’t have to worry about failure. God had chosen her. It was up to God to preserve her until the day of salvation—and she was not responsible for staying saved. She wasn’t even responsible for choosing him. He had it all covered.

My initial thought was “Nooo!” and if she wasn’t the most precious woman in the world to me, or I hadn’t learned through the pandemic how words break nations, I might not have stayed silent. When I heard the love and relief in her heart, I had a second thought. “Who are you, to take this away from her?” I knew that there was compelling scripture for both sides. Unconditional election could be true and not break me or destroy my autonomy.

I did not need her to be wrong in order to be right. Her love and joy in this doctrine did not kick me out of the kingdom. I could rest in my ability to choose, she could rest in her provision.

There are so many theologies like this. And I wonder if it has something to do with God meeting us where we need him, even though we don’t all need him in the same place.

I know some people panic at the thought of multiple things being true because the gate is narrow and few find it, so we better be sure we’re on the right path. (And then prove it by everyone else’s bewildered silence.)

This makes me reconsider, with a blush of embarrassment, the times I’ve said, “Catholics believe this…” and “LDS believe this…” since I cannot even delineate what one flavor of Christianity believes. Maybe we don’t need to agree with all the details. In fact, it would probably be unrealistic to have two humans completely align from top to bottom with every thought. I know my husband and I don’t.

One of my favorite resources is the Theology in the Raw podcast. One thing I’ve learned through it is that if you can’t see legitimacy on the other side of debates like this—you aren’t looking honestly or thoroughly.

It is possible to decide emphatically how you believe and to still see the opposite point of view. And if you can’t acknowledge alternate positions, it’s probable that you just formed the opinion. Then you found material or a network of people to support it. Which is easy (if you haven’t been on the internet lately, you can find proof of anything), but detrimental if you find out later that you built your life on a lie. Ask anyone who has deconstructed their faith.

I believe there are mutually exclusive truths about God. I just don’t accept that humans have all the details—or that we will have them this side of eternity. It is unattainable. Even in the attainable truth, there are specifics we can’t comprehend.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t search the unsearchable because God promised, “If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.” I think it will take more than a lifetime though. But don’t worry, he’s got you covered… even though the choice is yours.

Tramplin’ all the way. Ha Ha. Ha.

Posted on by Hilarey

Are your nativities put away and your Christmas cleaned up?

If you were a Christian in the 90s, you may remember a saying, “If it became illegal to be a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?”

Maybe from that idea came the surplus of Christian bumper stickers, art and other swag. We decorated our cars and clothing with symbols and stickers. Consumerism to prove loyalty… to get that conviction.

But there’s a difference between marketing Christianity and obeying Christ.

Let your god flag fly

Waving and saluting the Christian flag… raising a religious banner before your army… making sure to point out to the lost that you are on the narrow path… or letting the brethren know you are on a “slightly narrower” path might get you convicted when Christianity becomes illegal—but I’m not convinced that’s the judgement seat we should be concerned about.

Psalms says my salvation and my honor depend on God. I like this verse because of course we are concerned about salvation, but we want to hide that we’re also concerned about honor. Our honor depends on God, not on how God looks. Not on him seeming to be victorious before his return.

The narrower path

I was once told that you can’t take stuff to heaven, only people. But that’s untrue. You can’t bring people—not if they don’t want to go.

Imagine your son telling you, “I know you would choose your God over me.” I don’t think that’s necessarily easier to hear when he has a strong, bearded jaw than when he has chubby, kissable cheeks.

Yet, if that becomes the choice, Christ said he came to divide families.

Though none go with me

How do you choose Christ over mother, brother, child… without steamrolling or trampling everyone in your path?

All I can think in regards to displaying your faith is: Christian! Christ does not stomp the downtrodden. When we have an agenda that tramples, we find a way to inject that agenda in every sentence.

So how do you share if you can’t even talk to your children or grandchildren about God because they think you’re unfair, insensitive, exclusive? Lyrics from one of my most listened to songs last year says, “The best way to be heard sometimes is not to make a sound.” The Audreys

Innocent until proven a believer

I know we are scared to deny Jesus because he will deny us. Sometimes silence is denial, but sometimes it is wisdom. When Jesus was asked by Pilate, “Are you the King of the Jews?”, he answered, “It is as you say.”

But when Herod questioned him, he “answered him nothing.” Luke 23:1-12

You don’t have to chase anyone down screaming Merry Christ-mas. Not just because the holidays are over, but because the culture war you are commissioned to fight is within your own body.

Sometimes silence is denial, but sometimes it is wisdom.

Children of the Wilderness

Posted on by Hilarey

A verse from Proverbs was often used as a homeschool mantra, “Raise up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

Something subtly expressed was that not homeschooling meant not raising up your own children. Since you could not “teach these things when you rose and sat down and walked along the way,” you were taking a risk with their eternity.

There’s a treacherous thread of prosperity doctrine woven into this. The assumption is that it’s transactional to raise your children in a God-fearing home and they will grow up to know God.

As though parents can remove the dignity of freewill that God gave to humanity.

The Israelite children who grew up in the desert saw nothing but provision and miracles. They didn’t know that normal shoes wear down each year. They took for granted food dripping from the sky, and the visible proof of God’s presence. On a small scale, this is a child’s understanding when raised in a Christian home, even if parents are clear about life before salvation and where they’ve come from. Even if things are not perfect and you wander as a family in the wilderness.

Experientially, these children only know the plunder of the Egyptians and the hope of the promised land.

In Be Amazed Warren W. Wiersbe writes about this generation of Israelites. He says, “God set them free and guided them to their inheritance, but within one generation after the death of Joshua, the nation turned to a dollar tree, and forsook the Lord.”

One generation.

Sometimes kids who are raised in the church reject it all, knowingly. Sure, they may claim hypocrisy is the reason they left. But, undoubtedly, you, as a parent, didn’t applaud or foster hypocrisy.

Train up a child is a good proverb, but it doesn’t play out that way in many stories of the Bible.

Aaron’s sons were raised up in service to God and saw the original generation of ordination. Maybe they were so comfortable with the temple that they decided they knew enough and could approach God however they wanted. They died in his presence. Leviticus 10:1-2

Samuel’s sons had a godly upbringing in the temple, but took bribes and perverted justice. 1 Samuel 8:1-3

Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery because of jealousy. Genesis 37

I’m sure all of David’s children, a man after God’s own heart, grew up hearing stories of David’s divine rescues, his praise music and poetry. But David’s son raped his daughter and discarded her when he could have redeemed the situation. 2 Samuel 13:1-32

Admittedly, there were obvious parenting failures in the last two situations. Jacob showed clear favoritism to the first son of his favorite wife, Joseph. And David didn’t deal with his rapist son, so another son took punishment into his own hands when Absalom killed the rapist. So even if David ran after God his whole life, he had moments of failure being an apathetic, inattentive or weak parent.

But Adam was born into a perfect environment with a perfect parent.

Don’t cast judgement by asking the parent of a prodigal their success rate. “Are any of your other kids following the Lord?” As though a higher percentage toward apostasy reflects the home life. Out of God’s first two kids, 100% chose to disobey.

And, actually, so did everyone else after that. None are righteous, no, not one.

Franklin Graham endorsed Prayers for Prodigals, saying that his mother would have loved the book, because he was one. I loved the book because I am not sure where I’d be without the prayers of my mom and grandma.

There is no guarantee that a child raised in a godly home will choose the Lord.

And there’s no guarantee they’ll stay in the wilderness.